My wife has one of the most reassuring, sweet personalities ever gifted to a human being.
I recently tried (unsuccessfully, damn it!) to capture a crawly bug in our apartment. Uncharacteristic of my calm, level-headed, non-obsessive character, I spent a heinously long time trying to track him down and escort him out. No luck.
“What are you doing honey?” my wife asked, watching me waste my valuable life.
I explained the grave situation. “I can’t just let him run free. He might find me and bite me while I’m sleeping.”
“Don’t worry. It’s not going to crawl into your underwear or up your butt or something. It’s not going to crawl into the corner of your eye and eat through to the other side, or something. It’s not going to crawl into your nose and eat your brain, or something.”
“Thanks for your usual reassuring sweetness.”
“The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out . . .”
“Go away. Farther.”
! ! !
I saw this sign on the back door of an industrial dump truck—as I was driving seventy-five miles per hour down I-10 (I want a Safe Driver medal for not taking out my cell phone and snapping a picture):
“WARNING—VEHICLE STOPS AND BACKS FREQUENTLY”
I thought, “What kind of a nut ‘stops and backs frequently’ going seventy-five miles an hour? Only the most crazy, dangerous mofo of all time!”
(“Honey—what the hell is that guy doing—he’s STOPPING! And, oh, my God! He’s BACKING UP!”)
sps
Here’s one I did take out my camera for (I pulled over and parked first):
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